Is your baby shiftless?

Do you have one of these lazy slugs laying around your house?

Sure, it's cute and all, but CAN IT READ?

Yes, you read that right. Can that 6 month old formula sucking, blanket chewing slug read Tolstoy? I saw an interesting infomercial the other day designed to get that slug up off its pampered behind and pick up a book already!

The product is aptly called "Your Baby Can Read!":

Now, I don't exactly agree with the whole "risk-free" claim, since there is nothing more dangerous than an informed infant. One day it's reading a "First Words" books, the next day your infant is giving you the evil eye as it reads the ingredients on the back of it's Gerber creamed carrots jar. Not cool.

I had no idea my nieces and nephews had such potential in their brief infancy. Of course, it's too late for some:
But this one still has potential. Sure, she should have started a couple of months ago, but she was busy:
Although she is already six months old, she can catch up!

See? she's only filled up 25-30% of her brain already! Please note, most of the "older babies" would only see an ice cream soda in the image above - not a "Your Baby can Read" graduate - they'd see three brains, two straws, percentages and red lines. The VERY smart baby would spot the 4th brain in the image as well.

Let's do a quick comparison here....here's an 18 month old "reader" -Evan:and my niece at 18 months....oh dear....this isn't good...
Let's try again...the 15 month old "reader" Gianna:

and my nephew at approximately the same age....oh dear....

Well, it's too late for them anyway. Parents have to start them off immediately in order to see any results. Is your infant crying because it's cold? Well, make them LEARN the word, then give them the blanket:
I am still debating whether or not to order this program for the youngest niece. By the time I make up my mind, I am sure her window of opportunity will have passed.

Oh well.

Martha and Me...a slight case of comparison

Martha Stewart and I do not get along. It's a well known fact and I am not afraid of it. There are reasons, one of which is her oh so charming Martha's Calendar that graces every edition of her "Living" magazine. The Calendar is an adorable peek into what Martha is doing every damn day of the month. Things like "Bergh Ball" and "plant onions and shallots".

So I give you tonight...selections from Martha's April Calendar and a comparison to MY calendar:

April 6th - Martha is ordering new garden gloves and turning on her outdoor faucets. She is also hooking up her hoses that day. Martha's gloves:

My April 6th - While wandering CVS during lunch, I may happen to see some cheap ass garden gloves in the "Spring has arrived!" aisle. I may actually buy a pair, since the last pair of cheap ass garden gloves I bought there are already torn and useless. My faucets ALWAYS work, so no need for me to traipse around in some "turning on faucets" event fashion. I may have to turn some leaky one off, actually. I give you...my gloves:

April 11th - Martha is horseback riding to brunch at Bedford Post. She will also bake some no-knead bread.

My April 11th - Seriously? I am not getting on a horse to get some damn brunch sandwich and Dr Pepper. I may, if weather permits, start eating my sandwich on the way back to the car. I will NOT be baking any kind of bread. I have discovered that supermarkets tend to do this for me. I will PURCHASE, then EAT some bread. Maybe. Here is God's gift to all bread lovers:

April 17th - Martha will be picking some asparagus (from her garden) for a dinner party that night. She'll also be making a Meyer lemon crepe cake.

My April 17th - I am all for asparagus, but really, again I must point out that supermarkets tend to have these supplies. If I am giving a dinner party, it will be for my friend who likes Pepsi and Papa John's pizza. Asparagus would be nice, but how to work it into the pizza menu?? Too much work. Now, this "Meyer lemon" snobbery is pissing me off. All the "Martha-ites" having their panties in a bunch for these damn lemons. It's not enough to have a lemon now...it must be a MEYER lemon, or that crepe cake is gonna suck. Well, I have a tree full of lemons and I will most likely be using one to scrub some copper pots. I am sure the MEYER lemon would cringe at the thought of such lowly work.

April 21st - Martha is planting onions and shallots. She will also be inserting supports in her peony garden.

My April 21st - I will be PULLING onions from the yard, as they grow wild here and every crack and open space seem to burst with them. I may send some to Martha. And if my peonies can't support themselves, that is just too damn bad. Martha is creating dependant flowers...a breed I cannot tolerate. Grow some leaves and buck up, I say! To my flowers. Every time I see them. Tough love.

April 24th - Martha works out and then spends a lovely day watching for migrating and nesting birds. Like these:

My April 24th - Hmm, it's a Saturday, so the closest thing to a work out in my house will be me working to get from the bed to the couch before 10am. While Martha searches the skies for her "migrating birds", I'll most likely be washing a car that suffers from the effects of those same "migrating birds". I may watch Ingrate Bastard migrate from the floor back to his cage, just for kicks.

April 28th - Martha will be appearing on the NBC Today show AND organizing her medicine cabinet (discarding old lotions and cosmetics).

My April 28th - It's a work day, so the only appearance I will be making will be at the cafe for a Dr Pepper and my desk for a paycheck. No doubt Martha will be singing the praises of Meyer Lemons and Migrating Birds on the Today show. I will be venting about that damn Gosselin woman and her stunning ability to remain in the spotlight despite her own personality. No one will care. Now, I don't understand why Martha would have to organize her medicine cabinet. A good home organizer (such as she claims to be) should already have everything in place. Maybe this is a note to remind her to tell her servants that THEY should clean out THEIR medicine cabinets. I am sure it is. I, of course, in all my obsessive glory, already have a clean medicine cabinet, so I will be done for the day!

I should have time to read the entire issue of Martha Stewart's "Living".

Quality Time with the Nephews...Legos, Pizza and Chaplin!

After a blissful three "kid free" weekends, the second round of "Quality Time with Auntie" came about. No giggling girls, random conversations about the merits of Edward vs. whoever the second vampire was, and suitcases full of makeup, outfits, and jewels this time. No, it was boys bearing sleeping bags, jokes regarding gas of all types, and enough energy to run a nuclear plant.

The day started out with rain and lots of it:

This did nothing to dampen the spirits of four boys who wanted to rip into Auntie's extensive Lego collection:

While listening to kids argue over ONE Lego block that one cousin had that another cousin HAD TO HAVE, while ignoring the 4,237 other Lego blocks around them...I managed to get some boboli pizza's going for lunch. Check out my pizza creation below. I call it "The Weight Watchers Special" - boasting vegis, reduced fat asiago cheese and 70% less fat turkey pepperoni:

No, it didn't taste as good as it looks, as a matter of fact.

We were supposed to go Bowling at the local lanes after lunch. Upon arrival, I took one look at all the people dressed in matching outfits, the personalized bowling bags bearing monogrammed names like "Biff" and "The Big Kahuna" and knew immediately that we had run into a tournament. So, no bowling for us. You can't see it in the photo below, but I think Mr Pins was flipping us off!

So, while the rain fell and my panic mounted, I buckled the troops back into the car and started thinking...WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO NOW? Thankfully, DP (who had been smuggled into the car) had a splendid alternative idea:

You guessed it, back to Clay Creations we headed. Now, this place is right on the shoreline in our town, the earthquake in Chile had just happened, and all I heard the way there was this:

"that tsunami is going to wipe us out!"

"I can't wait to see the waves come at us"

"why is there a T in front of tsunami?"

I wasn't much comforted by the coast guard helicopters and the closed off streets any myself. But then I thought...a tsunami is nothing compared to having 4 boys, 6,000 Legos, junk food and did I mention FOUR BOYS in a tiny one bedroom house for a weekend. So we parked and went on in:

Much to my relief, there was room and plenty of boy themed items to paint. The artists dug right in:

DP, ever the critic, gave lots of unwanted advice:

Some kids didn't keep their mind on their work...I WON'T SAY WHO:

Here's a short video of the end results, interrupted by you know who:

Homeward bound after a few hours of painting, re-painting, and painting. The efforts exhausted them, as you can see:

But soon enough the gang decided it was time to get Auntie up off her couch and demand some fine dining. I wanted to get a nice group shot before we headed out. This was what I got:

So I will freely admit, I had no idea that Olive Garden at 4:30 on a Saturday was such a hot spot. For oldsters, that is. We waited half an hour for a table, and the kids barely tolerated the starvation they suffered through:

Someone managed to smuggle himself into my purse again:

Here is a video of one of the kids, obviously high on Dr Pepper, answering my very simple question"How was your dinner?" in a very complex and funny way:

After THAT, it was obviously time to get home and settle down for the night with Chaplin movies and dessert. All kiddos were asleep by 11:30, THANK GOD.

To my horror, they were all up at 6:45 the next morning. What is with these kids who can't manage to drag themselves out of bed by 7am every other day of the week, but are bright eyed and bushy tailed at 6:45 on a Sunday? SICK, I say...SICK!

I managed to drag my sorry corpse to the kitchen and make them HOMEMADE cinnamon rolls and chocolate milk for breakfast*

*Please note, if you make something in a home, it is homemade. Therefore, my canned Pillsbury cinnamon rolls qualify as homemade.

Below you see the "perfect breakfast":

Below you see "perfect children" chowing down on the breakfast, while managing to maintain their Lego constructions simultaneously:

Below you see what the children did to poor Dr Pepper after having watched three Charlie Chaplin movies the night before:

The skies had cleared enough by Sunday to allow me to fumigate my house by taking the boys OUTSIDE. Here they are being so very very "gangsta":

and here they are being so very, very "not gangsta":

another attempt at coolness:

Some great shots of the kids at the park:

and a shot of DP "tasting the rainbow":

only two of the four kids managed to look "gangsta" in one last group shot:

and this is the kind of photo you get when you allow the kids to control the camera:

...and any good auntie worth her salt knows it's time to go when the kids start throwing rocks down the slides for fun:

another boboli pizza lunch with extreme cheese:

Then we spent quality time re-establishing bad habits for them to take home with them. Sucking Jell-O through a straw is a favorite:

ice popsicle madness was only appreciated by three of the four: And the weekend came to a merciful end.